The Whole Foods in DC sucks balls!

Upon arrival at my hotel, I was quite relieved to hear that the nearest grocery store was a Whole Foods, located approximately 3 blocks from my residence for the next 6 months.  This was music to my ears, for my experience at the Seattle Whole Foods has been superb.  From the first time I entered the store, I was in Awe over the wide, endless aisles of international and natural cuisine scattered throughout the store, the diversity of exotic beers lining the cooler walls, or the exceptional selection and tasty treats they bring to their buffet.  You can literally get anything you’d like at the Seattle Whole Foods excluding mainstream products containing preservatives and unnatural flavors, in which you can find a comparable, yet superior product that excels in taste and nutrition.

There have been many a time walking through the store, close to an hour, just wandering aimlessly.  Not to buy anything, but simply walk and stare in wonder at the variety of specialty food, sauces, and other rations you had never imagined eating, available for you purchasing pleasure.  While entering the Whole Foods in DC, I had all of those great expectations in mind and a wallet full of cash ready to dispose at my fulfillment and expense. 

Boy was I disappointed…

Unfortunately, to my surprise and despair, it wouldn’t be anything like my blissful Seattle experience that I had kept close to my heart.  I entered the store only to be greeted by a clusterf*** of quasi hippies rounded up as if the store was one giant animal farm where the chickens are round up, force fed, stuck in overcrowded cages… you know, the ones that PETA always bitches about.  Gone were the wide aisles filled with glamorous good just waiting to soothe your taste buds and increase your organic intake of antioxidants.  Say goodbye to the clean open feeling you received while approaching the store.  What was presented before me was just another grocery store in a barn, with double its capacity.  I took a deep breath of air to brace myself, which was once fresh but tainted and turned humid by the heat and sweat generated by 100’s of patrons, who decided to skip out on their much needed shower that day.

Nevertheless, there was still shopping to be accomplished, and so with that knowledge at hand, I sucked it up and proceeded on with my mission, narrowly avoiding contact and possible contamination from dreadlock infested population lurking about.

Just like the Seattle store, I again wandered aimlessly throughout, but not so much in wonder of the glamorous goods scattered about, but more along the lines of “I wonder where the hell the deli meats are located?”  I did eventually find the deli meat, but for the first time, I actually realized how expensive Whole Foods is, for in Seattle, the quality of the store blinded my perception of cash value, and became genuinely upset over spending close to $30 on deli meats.

Aside from my prior troubles, I was looking forward to indulging in the multicultural selection of food they have at their buffet.  Usually, being overwhelmed by the massive selection presented in front of me, I end up putting more food on my plate than my stomach can handle, but still end up putting it down, stuffing myself in the process, but still leaving satisfied with the taste. 

But the buffet didn’t resemble the picture of what was engraved in my mind.  Walking up to the buffet, I felt like another farm animal arriving at the feeding trough, competing with the swarm of swine scurrying to scarf down as much food as possible before being completely depleted.  I did not see a buffet, but a bacterial breeding ground, for I can only imagine the mass amounts of people who were sick, dirty, or who took a dump without washing their hands handling the food sitting under heat lamps for hours.

Probably the most disappointing part of my Whole Foods excursion was the let down I felt when I discovered that the dessert bar I had savored and indulged in during every trip to the Seattle store was non-existent.  Instead I was forced to settle for the bland pre packaged toffee flavored cheesecake that was mediocre at best.  It was the same feeling you get on your 12^th birthday when you get that small hint that you’re about to receive that new video game system weeks in advance, only to find out after all your presents are opened that that video game machine was just fiction, and your big hot shot present was some stupid educational gift that your mother expects you to be thankful for, which ends up pissing you off even more, resulting in the worst birthday ever.  What a f***ing let down.

At last, I was near the end of my excursion, only to discover a new obstacle stood in my way.  Every checkout line extended about ¾ the length of an aisle.  After spending an hour at the store, I figured turning back now would be a waste of my time if I left with nothing in my hand.  So I settled…  and waited 10 minutes only to be asked by a lady when I was the next person to the checkout stand, “Um, are you in this line, or can I just go up to the front and step right in?  So in a polite manner, I responded, “Naw!  Get yo ass to the back of the line!”  Freeloaders.  Tryin’ to cut in line while everybody else waits their turn.  Who the hell does she think she is?

Lessons learned – Cherish the good things you have which you do not realize living life day to day.  To my Seattle friends, don’t take for granted what you have in your backyard, because it’s can be considered a blessing, that I unfortunately had to find out…  the hard way.

Final damage.  1.5 hours spent.  Groceries gathered: 2 bags of chips, 2 gallons of water, a pack of salami, a pack of turkey, a pack of cheese, and piece of cheesecake.  Total money spent: $50.00.  Whole Foods?  More like Whole Paycheck if you ask me...