Tales from the crapper

Before any of you read this, I must warn you, this post is going to be a little gross, but nevertheless necessary.  It’s a question I feel that’s been pondering many men for ages, and must be addressed.  So for the mothers and older women out there who can easily get disgusted, please ignore this post.  You’ll thank me later, but I would encourage any lady out there who can stomach this potty talk to comment on their insight, for I would love to hear if you’ve ever had the same experience.

The year was 1998.  I was roaming the halls of my school, which in Asotin was a combined Jr. and Sr. High School, when out of nowhere my ever agitated best friend comes running out of the bathroom with a giant grin on his face and says to me “Man, you gotta go see this.”  Not in a hurry to get back to class, I ventured into the bathroom not knowing what to expect.  Slowly I creeped up to the 2^nd stall to find out what it was that my friend insisted that I had to see.  I peaked into the cell, which would soon be a sight I would never forget.  The stall was literally covered in shit.  I mean, completely.  The inside bowl, the seat, the walls, hell, there was even poo protruding out of the creases of the cell, with colors spanning from yellow and green, to black, with even a hint of red in places.  Too most, this would be a disgusting event, which would induce vomiting.  To a Jr. higher, it was an uproarious occasion that almost left me with a similar situation inside by trousers.

That was my first encounter with what I call the, “the Grenade Shit.”  I define it this way because there is no solid turd, and but more of an even spread of excrement completely covering the bowl and anything else it can reach, as if a turd was there, but was blown up by a grenade after leaving the body.   They almost always appear in public bathrooms; stadiums, schools, airports, you name it.  We’ve all seen them when there’s a line to use the toilets with every stall in use except for one.  Most of us know better, and patiently wait in line, knowing there’s a reason why the cell is unoccupied.  Then in comes the well-dressed businessman, seeing an opportunity to get into the shitter quickly and beat the line.   Once inside, a “God Damnit!” Shriek is heard as the man who’s time was more important than others, realizes the error of his ways; that he yet again walked into a doo doo covered stall.  Taking a walk of shame, he storms out of the bathroom all pissed-off, face beat red, and his toupee messed up to stands in line amongst the others.

A similar incident happened at work a couple weeks ago while I took a trip to the bathroom to do my business and an innocent patron walk into a stall to look upon an unforgiving sight.  While hearing the man grunt and walk away, I started to think, “how does this happen?”  It had been the first time I had asked myself that question, and I honestly did not have an answer to such a serious issue.   Never in my life have I taken a crap where the end product ends up spread out evenly along the walls of the bowl.  I mean, when some people take dumps, do they just spray like mad?  Or does somebody just play around with it after they’re done, like stick of dynamite in it and watch the carnage?  And why is there usually toilet paper all over the place?  Do some people just like to go ape shit in the stall and mess everything up?  Even if they do, they must be professionals, for the TP and poo is spread out so evenly, it can almost be considered art.  I mean, there is no explanation for this unnatural occurrence!  It’s like one of those questions like “What’s the meaning of life,” or “What’s the sound of one hand clapping?”  This quickly became a thinking exercise I would use for daily meditation that would help clear my mind.

While spending a couple weeks pondering how this situation, something else happened during another trip to the bathroom.  While I was contently doing my business in the second stall, I couldn’t help but notice an innocent bystander, who by the khaki pants seemed to be a navy officer, scurry himself into stall no. 3, the one with all the problems.  “This can’t be good.” I thought to myself, and almost mentioned something, but couldn’t.  You never talk to another man while pumpin’ a grumpy, especially a stranger.  So there it was, I had led him to his fate.  Noticing there was some left over debris from the last shit storm, he gave a courtesy flush and proceeded to sitting down.  And that was when everything went wrong.

The next thing I know, water was overflowing from the toilet.  As the toilet water hit his buns, the navy officer shot up with a big “Son of a bitch!” screech, picked up his pants that had been drenched with toilet water, bust open the door with a fierce front kick, and stop out of the bathroom angrier and more frustrated that he was unable to relieve the pressure inside his colon.  All I could do was watch through the cracks in horror as the water slowly creped into my stall.  I knew I didn’t have much time, therefore I squeezed out the rest of my wasteful products from my body, wiped like a mad man, and got the hell out of there, miraculously unharmed.

Looking back at the situation, I think to myself “If I had only stayed a couple of seconds longer, I could’ve looked into the other cell and found the answer to the unknown that has been haunting mankind for so long…”  I don’t know if I’ll ever get another chance at to find this out, and I may have to go through the rest of my life unfulfilled with that one thing that is missing.  The mystery of the grenade shit.

So now every time I go to the stall at work, which is often I may add, I think about this and wonder about the unanswered question that I almost found, but will never understand.  The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that when pooping at work, I get paid copious amounts of money to do so.  In fact, if my calculations are correct, it’s probably been about $10,000 worth of cash that I’ve made, just by sitting on the pot (all at tax payer’s expense I might add).

So in conclusion, if you know the answer to this problem in our society, please share it with everyone.  You won’t be judged as long as you post on this blog, even if you’re a culprit.  I just need to know the answer.  So please, if you have any information, enlighten me and free me from this pain I’ve been feeling for so long…