The girl and the workout room

It started out as any other Friday in DC.  Woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, looking forward to the weekend after an excruciating week of work in the office.  Heading out the door, I realized I didn’t build my daily turkey sandwich made from organic bullshit bought from Whole Foods.  I thought to myself “I might have time to make a sandwich,” but then looking up, I noticed I was late.  So I grabbed my coat, and grabbed my hat.  Made the Metro in seconds flat.

Because of the lack of a cold lunch, I was forced to go buy some grub at the food court.  While heading to the sandwich shop, I took a wiff of the Rice King.  I knew Chinese food was a bad idea, it always is, but I couldn’t resist.  I bought a big bowl of orange chicken with noodles, with a little egg roll on the side.

I felt terrible about my decision and knew I had to make up for it in some sort of way.  At 6:00 PM, I decided to go on a run to burn off the Chinese that was causing turmoil inside my stomach, but something was holding me back.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew I just had to delay my run for a couple minutes.

At approximately 6:22 PM, I started my run.  Warm-up for a quarter mile, proceed to 1 mile at 8 mph, and raising the incline from 2, to 4 at miles 1.25 and 2.25, and then once I reach 3 miles, slowly back down till I’m ready for my cool down.  I had reached the 5-mile mark of my run and was about to start my cool down.  Then, it happened.  She came in.

A gorgeous babe walked in the gym to use the adjacent treadmill.  Blond air, short shorts, nice figure, big ti… I couldn’t quit my run now.  I already had a good sweat going, and she had to know I was the real deal.  I increased the incline once more and continued on.

I had reached the 7-mile mark.  Things were going good, but it wasn’t quite cutting it.  There was 7 minutes left until I reached one hour of total time on the treadmill, where it automatically goes into cooldown mode.  Time to step it up.  I increased the speed to 9 mph.  I had to make 8 miles under an hour.  At that moment, the Foo Fighters song popped in my head and was driving my determination.  “Dun dun, dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun.  All my life I’ve been searching for something, something never comes, never leads to nothin’…”  The juice had been turned on.

Half a mile to go when fatigue starts to kick in.  I couldn’t let her down, but what was I going to do.  I was wearing down, and couldn’t keep up with the speed of the moving tread.  Milliseconds before pushing the cooldown button and accepting failure, I looked up at the TV and saw a face of inspiration.  Vince Lombardi, the greatest coach of all time flashed across the screen.  “Winning isn’t everything, but it’s the only thing,” he said.  There was no way I was going to let him down.  He lit that extra little spark that allowed me to persevere.  I proceeded on with my mission, but still growing wary.  I started feeling dizzy.  My eyesight fuzzy.  My muscles weak.  “Oh my God, I’m going to pass out and make a fool out of myself.”  One last step and I’d meet my doom.  Time was running out.  I was about to crash and burn, leaving my chances with the blond beauty behind me.  All of a sudden, a beep sounded across the room.  The cooldown period had begun.  I had made it.  8 miles in under an hour!

Walking over to her with a towel covering my sweaty head and looking awesome, I turned to her and said in a smooth and soothing voice, “Sup.  You want the remote?”

“Sure, thanks” she replied back.  I gave her the remote.

“I hope you don’t mind, I’m gonna take my shirt off, I get kinda hot whenever I run 8 miles.”  I again said.  “No big deal, but 8 miles is kind of far.”  I really didn’t want to show off, but I needed to get the sweaty shirt off my body, which unintentionally exposed my rigorously toned abs. 

“I can’t believe I did all those pushups before my run.  I just like to staying healthy and fit.  It just makes you feel so much better about yourself,” I said again.  Smoothly, of course.

At that point she dropped her iPhone (I think on purpose so I’d have to bend over and expose my posterior).  Being the good guy I am, I bent over and picked the phone up for her.

“Oh, you’re so sweet,” she said.

“I get that a lot,” I replied, cause I mean, I do!

We got to talking a little.  I informed her of the genius of Vince Lombardi and the history of the Green Bay Packers.  She was hanging on my every word and was impressed with my vast football knowledge.  And how I’m a public servant working with the government, just trying to do my part to make the world a better place.  Things were going great!  Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay long, for I’m a busy man with lots to do.

I gave her my goodbye, but as I was opening the door, she said to me, “Hey, I was impressed with your 8 mile run.  What are you doing later tonight.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I was flattered, but I turned to her and gave her a few words wisdom.  “Honey, I’m not that kind of man.  I like you, I like you a lot, but you don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me.  I’m a rebel… A loner…    Good Night my dear.”

I walked away and went back to my room, and never saw her again.  It feels good to touch people’s lives on a daily basis.  I was just glad I was able to get through to her.  I hope as you read this, you will think about your past, present, and future and say to yourself “Boy, what can I do to make an impact on the Earth.  What can I do to be more like Zack Andrews???”